Shame vs Self-Acceptance

A female friend called today to ask if I had heard -- that someone from my past had pass away suddenly. I said no. I hadn't heard any news about this guy at all -- the first guy that I ever called my boyfriend...at aged 19. 

I'm sure my friend thought I might be a little upset to hear the unfortunate news. And I thought I should pretend to be....just a little. When her husband took the phone to speak to me, I admitted that I didn't feel anything. It was a long, long time ago. Even memories of happier times with him during my youth could not spark any emotion in me. Even though I once felt so loved by him, that love cannot be found today.

Either my heart has been numbed, or it is at peace.

I thought about myself for just a moment....yes, selfishly. I didn't think about him nor the family he left behind. They are strangers to me.

I thought...wow, if we had gotten married then, I will be a widow today. But after a brief time when he was my whole world -- causing me to even defy my parents who objected strongly against our relationship, mainly because he was of a different race -- he and the relationship we had, have been buried almost without a trace all these years.

I just watched a drama series which affected me deeply -- a Korean story where our hero had lost his memory of a bad accident that happened when he was 21. We ask, could that happen psychologically, if the accident had not physically damaged part of his memory cells?

I tried to remember my ex's last name. I wanted to search the internet to see if I could find out more about his passing. It took over a minute before I could recall his last name! I thought about myself. My memory was either failing or he was just too far away from my mind. But I knew that I had pushed him out of my mind more than a decade ago -- because the memories he left were only those of pain and fear. Some people do deliberately push something away that had cause them a lot of pain.

Sure, it's not right to say something bad about someone behind their backs, and especially if that someone has just died.

I just thought that I should write about it here. Maybe it's to heal me. Maybe I'm just a nasty person. Maybe I should just forget it. Maybe it's to recall the foolishness of my youth. Maybe it's to accept my weaknesses and embarassment.

Why are painful memories stronger than happy memories? Whenever I thought of him, I just associated him with pain in me. Months and years after our break-up, I avoided him. I avoided everything that associated with him. I had fear every time I thought about him or accidentally bumped into him or received an out-of-the-blue phone call from him.

I had realized I did not want to continue the relationship with him when I was in university on the other side of the world. I met another guy. Isn't that the classic cause of break-ups? Even though I never developed any relationship with that new guy other than being a friendly acquaintance, this guy brought a realization to the ambitious me -- that I expected more of my life, and I was selling myself short if I continued with my present boyfriend -- a life I did not think my current boyfriend could fit into. And so I spoke the break-up line at his next loving, long-distance phone call.

About half a year later, I returned home after graduation and a 4-month holiday. Thank God that mobile phones did not exist in our lifestyle back then. I had gotten a few calls begging me to resume our relationship as he could not live without me. I should have felt flattered. Instead, all I felt was irritation. I didn't think that matters would become worse. He had told his family and my friends that I had dumped him. I got hints that I was being spoken about as if I was the evil queen of the west who had stabbed the heart of a good and loving man.

He started calling my house all the time, which made my relationship with my parents worse. He kept wanting to meet me. He begged. He cried. He yelled. I was a naive girl. (Oh, I am still naive today). He threatened to kill himself if I did not meet him. I gave in and met him a couple of times just to appease him, all the while feeling frustrated and fearful that he would do what he threatened to do. He even claimed that he had a bad medical condition and he had a doctor's letter to prove it. I never saw it, cause each time he would hold out a piece of paper, but kept it back in his pocket the moment anyone asked to read it! But he was not giving up.

Then he wanted me to go on a romantic dinner for two on his upcoming birthday. He told me that he had made reservations and had also paid for it, so it could not be canceled. I was naive. I had never made reservations at any restaurant before so I did know that one did not have to pay upfront. He would not take "no" for an answer.

At the same time, some of my friends had returned from overseas and was organizing a get-together in the same area where he had booked the romantic dinner. I was confused about what I should do. I didn't want to go with him. I wanted to see my friends. I decided to stand him up, even though I promised him that I will be there. 

I drove to meet my friends. It was probably quite close to midnight when we left our happy get-together. But after only a few minutes of driving, I looked into the rearview mirror and panicked when I realized that his car was tailing me! I was extremely upset with myself that I had let him find me that easily.

And thus, began the horrific, dramatic car chase scene of my life, the kind that I so often watched in the movies! Except that those cars were driven by stuntmen!

The location was the major highway that led me home. Unfortunately, the entire stretch of that highway was under major upgrading and broadening, so temporary dividers had been put up that made the road zigzag with the change of lanes all the way for about 10 kilometres. 

As I sped, he chased me faster! Perhaps I was actually good at driving. I managed to not hit anything while swerving and speeding on the fast lane as his car tried to force my car into the road dividers, meaning that I could hit the dividers anytime! There was no reliable system set for us drivers who had to skillfully maneuver that winding highway. I was lucky that I had been driving to my workplace, 45 kilometres from home, under those conditions for several weeks already, so my regular driving instincts got me through the snaking moves along that messy highway.

Several times I tried to lose him. I thought I would be smart by quickly exiting into another road. But I was not fast enough and he managed to follow me into lonely stretches. A couple of times, he stopped his car suddenly in front of my moving car, causing me to brake dangerously. He got down, yelling and banging on my bonnet. I managed to turn my steering wheel and drive past him each time. 


Somehow I managed to speed all the way to my friend's house -- the friend who called me today to inform me of his death. I knew I couldn't go home and let him cause a scene in front of my parents. When I parked in front of my friend's house, I was already in a state of fear and panic. I quickly got down and banged on her gate, calling for her. Luckily she was in but she could not come out of the house immediately. It is always during our hour of need that our friends have a facial mask on! 


Her dad was looking at me from inside the house with a worried face. My ex had followed me closely. He came down from his car and was shouting at me right in front of my friend's house! He was literally a mad man. I was so embarassed to cause this commotion in front of my friend's dad.

Thank God my friend came out rather quickly, gave my ex a big scolding as she got into my car and asked me to drive to a mutual male friend's house. She hoped that our male friend could talk some sense into my deranged ex. We reached the parking lot of our friend's apartment complex. I don't remember how we found out that he was not home. Maybe my female friend had gone to his house to look for him, or one of us might have had a mobile phone to call his house phone. He did not own a mobile phone. She suggested that we just stay in the car and wait for our male friend to return home.

My ex had, of course, followed us. While we were sitting and waiting in the car, he was shouting at me from outside our car. My friend winded down the window and lashed back at him for his bewildering behaviour. I was scared to death already and could not think straight. He was walking up and down beside my car and wouldn't stop shouting. She must have opened the door on her side, because suddenly his hand reached in and slapped me hard on my left cheek! My tears instantly rolled. Through the stinging pain, I heard my friend's angry voices mixed with our male friend's. He had come in time to pull my ex away. I was so grateful for my friends that night. She tried to comfort me as I sent her home then drove myself home.

After that night, I was not really bothered much more by him. My mother had woken out of bed as I reached home. Even though I was used to coming home after late-night suppers with friends, tonight, my mother said she had sensed something was wrong. I had been planning to go to my room and cry. But when she noticed the redness on my cheek where I had been slapped, I cried instantly in front of my mother.

We had our home phone number changed.  She wanted to make a police report against him. Mom wanted to send me off to work in another country. But I decided not to go away, cause I will be more alone.  But from then, I shook with fear when I accidentally saw him once, and saw him glaring at me.

Slowly, the painful memories were suppressed until this man no longer mattered.

Everybody has a right to the story in their life -- even for him. What was painful for me need not be a judgement on him. This story is about me after all. I have to take care of me first. 

I am figuring out what it is I have to learn in facing my bad experiences. Yes, let them ago. At the same time, there was so much shame for me as I questioned the appropriateness of my own feelings and actions as I chose to leave that guy. 


But the Universe has been reminding me -- and just yesterday, I picked a tarot card to my question about who is my soulmate, and the card turned out to be Self-Acceptance.